The Old Ways

[ecgospelg]

This is actually just one of the exercises i do everyday. I've been screenwriting for about 2 weeks and I am just curious if I got what it takes. Feedback would be greatly accepted. Thanks.


The Old Ways

FADE IN:

Stinnet is a small town, merely a dot on the map of Texas. It?s residents live to clench onto the old racist ways.

EXT. MOTEL ? NIGHT


Immense shadows of men loom against the motels white, stone walls. Street lights flicker in the distance, causing the shadows to jump about. The motel is fairly large, but run down. The shadows begin to chatter now. There conversation vague in the faraway distance. The shadows flickering on the walls, become smaller, as the men stride towards the building. There conversation becoming more clear as they do.

SHADOWS (V.O.)
(A very distinct and re-recognizable voice)
He?s in room 101... I want this to be efficient. Got it. No more damn screw ups. Just get him and go. I?ll take care of the girl.

The men?s voices form a collage of, ?yes sir?s? Their voices remain vague, with no attached faces, only there shadows.

CUT TO:

INT. MOTEL ROOM 101 ? NIGHT

We see someone?s lips and what appears to be smoke being exhaled from them. We zoom out to see RILEY KANE, a handsome man, shivering in the freezing room. RILEY KANE walks to the window and closes the motels stain-covered drapes shut, then bends down and fidgets with some knobs on a prehistoric heater mounted to the wall. The knobs are no longer labeled, so he puts one hand in front of the heater, while the other continues to ambiguously fiddle with each knob. He lets out a short burst of air, his way of laughing, leaving fog to linger in the air.

RILEY
(talking to himself)
Well, what did you expect for thirty bucks? Smiles and complimentary mints.

He finally get?s the right combination with the heaters knobs and dust bursts out at first, then warmth.


RILEY
Oh, thank God. Now, I might actually live to cuss the shit out of the manager of this god forsaken place.

Footsteps scuffle outside his door. He looks towards the door, only to see it get bashed in.

RILEY

What the?-

Three policemen huddle through the door.


LEAD COP (the distinct voice we heard earlier)

FREEZE! Get on the ground..

Riley a bit shaken up, just stands there.

LEAD COP(CONT?D)

I said get on the god damn ground! NOW!

He drops to the floor and folds his hands behind his back.

RILEY

What the hell is goin on? What?s this about?

LEAD COP
( walking to Riley)
You know God damn well what this is about.

LEAD COP grabs Riley?s wrist and shackles it in cuffs, then his other wrist.

RILEY

What are you talking about? I didn?t do anything!


LEAD COP
(ignoring Riley)

I got him, you guys check the closet.

A NERVOUS COP heads towards the closet, tripping over Riley?s clothes scattered about.

RILEY (V.O)
Could someone please tell me what?s going on?

The cop opens it and almost pukes as his eyes are revealed to the closets contents.

STUNNED COP moves behind the Nervous cop. He?s shaken up, but not as bad as the nervous cop. He clearly isn?t ready for what he sees.


Stunned Cop

Holy shit... Hank, you might wanna come see this.

Lead Cop (HANK) walks over to the closet. Nervous Cop looks away, vomit climbing up his throat. Stunned Cop still stares, frozen in fear and disgust. Lead Cop is a bit shaken, but not surprised by what he sees. He?s used to these kinds of things. A pale little girl, with Asian features, stands erect, the fear still frozen on her face. Rigor mortis has already kicked in. She?s been dead for hours.

HANK
(turns head back to Riley, anger in his eyes)
Still wanna play dumb?

RILEY
(still laying on the ground)
I?m sorry, but I honestly don?t know why this is happening?

Lead Cop walks back over to Riley, while reaching into his pocket and pulling out some rubber gloves. He kneels down, puts the gloves on, and rubs along the back of Riley?s neck. His neck has four scratch marks, deep and bleeding.

HANK

So you didn?t kill the little girl that?s in YOUR closet?

RILEY
(shock in his face)
A little girl? No.
(Shaking his head)
Christ no. This...This is some kinda mistake.

HANK

A mistake? You mind explainin? this, then?

Lead Cop puts his hand infront of Riley?s face. His fingertips are soaked in blood.

RILEY

What the fuck...
(breathing hard now)
What the fuck is going on. Who did that? Someone?s setting me up. I swear to Christ I didn?t do that.

HANK

Take this bastard to the car and shut him up. I can?t handle anymore of his bullshit lies.

The cops pick him up by the armpits and drag him through the room, towards the door. Lead Cop just stands there, lost in thoughts.

RILEY (V.O.)
(yelling)
I?m not lying God Dammit. I swear... I swear.

His yelling fades away. He?s been dragged out of hearing range. Lead Cop turns around and walks up to the little girl. A smug smile forms on his face.

HANK
Welp, looks like it?s just you and me, babe. Once again. Did ya miss me?

He looks down, satisfied with himself, still smiling. Then back up.

HANK(CONT?D)

Well it?s been fun chatting, but I think it?s about time we get back to work. What do ya say?

She says nothing, obviously. She?s dead.

HANK(CONT?D)

I thought you might say that.

He unfolds a body bag on the ground, then grabs her stiff, little shoulders. We then ZOOM IN on her terror-filled eyes and zoom back out to reveal:


CUT TO:

INT. ROOM 100 ? EARLIER

Susy, the little girl, backs up, tripping over her own feet as she does. She clenches her chest. Blood gushes through her fingertips.

SUSY
(stretches her hand out, trying to shield her body)
Noooo!!!

A knife gashes through her hand, then gets pulled back out, as quickly as it had been forced in. She screams in agony.

VOICE (V.O.)

Quit fighting it! There?s no use!
(The voice is familiar)
You shoulda known better than to come here, babe. We don?t want any god damn chinks in this town!

The voice is Hank.

Susy curls up in the dark corner, no life left in her to fight back.

HANK (CONT?D)

That?s my girl.

Hank walks over to her, with that same smug smile on his face, then lunges at her, his knife cutting through the air, until it reaches it?s target. She lets out her final scream.

INT. ROOM 101 ? SAME

Hank unzips a body bag, slowly revealing the horror captured beneath it. He lifts her out of the bag and drag her into the closet.

HANK

Now don?t you go nowhere.

He laughs.

Sorry, but this is as far as I've gotten so far. I'm sure I have alot of formatting errors. Once again, I would love any advice. Thanks for reading my sample script.

[emjen]

yeah, this story basically doesn't go anywhere. I kindof got a smile because I thought those police officers just randomly framed people by putting a dead body in the closet - but a alas, that was my imagination.

The dialogue is a bit unrealistic. I've been busted by a serious arrest team and didn't get the chance to say the words "Hey, we're shooting a movie". They just yank you on the ground and shout shut up all the time. THe dialogue shouldnt be so straightforward either. It makes the characters seem one-dimensional.

The formatting is ok, I think, although the descriptions could be cut short some. The writing seems to be there, now just work on a story worthy of it.

[ecgospelg]

Hey thanks, Emjem for your advice and criticism. It's very helpful. I agree with everything you said. The characters don't really have dimension, I think Riley had the potential, but didn't get a chance to really show his character. I think I might have gone overboard with useless dialogue, that didn't really lead the story towards the next act. I have alot of reading scripts and books and analyzing movies to get where I want to be, but everyone starts somewhere. After all professionals are amateurs that didn't give up. Thanks again for your advice, once again it's very helpful.

[ac_01]

In summary: it got lazy. You started off well with nice visuals but from time to time it read a bit like a novel than a screenplay. But there is promise. Keep it up.

[ecgospelg]

Thanks for your input. I actually have written fiction novels since I was young, so making the transition may take a while, but I'll get there. Thanks again.